Some days in your life are like D-Day, they live in infamy in your history timeline. Such will be July 5, 2019 in my life.
I had a chemo class with my care team nurse at Parkview Cancer Institute. They are amazing by the way. She began by telling me the meds I was going to be given, nothing too alarming, since I have never heard of any of them. The nurse then began to talk about side effects.
OH MY! That is when every nerve in my body went on high anxiety mode! Mouth sores, hair loss, nausea, bone pain, peeing red, diarrhea or constipation, and chemo brain (think brain fog here). Then there are the things they don’t tell you about that I learned about from a support group for my particular type of cancer. Damage to teeth, with most saying they lost all their teeth, fingernails turning brown and cracking, and toenails the same. Eye problems, cataracts, etc., the list goes on.
Most people say the treatment itself wasn’t as bad as they thought it would be. I am not worried about the treatment so much as the side effects!
The two that bother me the most is mouth sores and going bald. I often bite my tongue when I sleep and the pain is miserable! Losing my hair has benefits, Losing the hair on my legs and arm pits is a bonus! If it is permanent it’s even better! But my hair, eye brows and eye lashes? I am really struggling with that. I make light of it to everyone, laughing, saying let’s have fun with it, but the reality is I am already crying inside!
I still can’t believe this is real (oh the pain I have is real enough and the port is real), but there is a part of me that thinks I am living in a dream, that this is all a mistake. Someone goofed up the lab reports, something, anything but cancer.
Am I going to die early? The survival rate seems really good, but has God decided my time on earth is done? Do I get a say in that? Eat healthy, exercise, postpone the inevitable and add more time of suffering? Or kick cancers butt to the curb and live to tell the story of living through a physical nightmare. Which path do I get to go down? Only God knows and I will take one moment at a time.
Today is the 4th of July, no celebrations to go to, no fireworks to set off, being all alone while the kids go to a family cookout, a family I am longer a part of. I wish my son Danny would care more about uniting all of us as a family, a cookout at his house with his fiancé Mandi and his siblings, myself, his dad and step-mom, friends. A family cookout in neutral territory. Play a whiffle ball game, frisbee, laugh, maybe a nerf gun battle! What fun! We can all have dreams. Maybe I will get a place of my own someday, and I can have everyone over.....time to fight. Fight to make dreams a reality, and fight to stay here a little linger for my grandson Majors sake. Man, I love that little boy!
More later!
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