There is a lot that goes on with cancer treatments that people don’t talk about. The side effects for instance, some are good but most not such a pleasure to deal with.
Did you know that your urine and bowel movements are toxic? They tell you to wipe the seat off after going to the bathroom, closing the lid of the toilet to flush, and flushing twice! This is to protect other family members!
But there is more! Just think if your bodily excretions are that toxic, imagine what it feels like on your skin? Bowel movements burn, and you must get it off as quickly as possible. The urine must not come in contact with your skin.
In my case add into the mix, a terrible cough, on top of having had 3 children, and incontinence every time I cough, deep, racking coughs, with toxic urine sitting next to your skin, in a very sensitive area, and you get an image of one small piece of my world last week. When the doctor took a look she just said,’oh, honey, we need to fix this,” what I thought might be an ingrown hair turned out to be a fissure (a nice way of meaning that the skin is breaking down from the toxic urine being held next to my skin by the pads I wear so I don’t leak on my clothes.
I have come to the conclusion after yesterday (a really bad day) that chemotherapy is a near death experience that you repeat on purpose in order to live. It I taking your body, mind and spirit to the edge, all the while thinking - “I can’t do this anymore!” The next morning you get up and you feel a tiny bit better, and you look forward to feeling a little bit better the next day, all the while knowing you are going to do it all over again!
Fighting Cancer is 95% Mental. It’s knowing that your body is weak, but that you must fight if you want to stay on this earth.
Friday, August 9, 2019
Thursday, August 1, 2019
Ugh....
I try to be upbeat and positive about this whole illness, but I have to admit, this week I feel anything but upbeat. Yes, it is possible to be positive but not feel upbeat.
My mouth has hurt so badly from sores that have come out. The sores are in the worse possible place. They are under my tongue in the back, where your tonsils are. I am not even sure the medicine is getting under there.
NOTHING tastes good to me, but yet I am hungry. I don’t have the money to go get Ensure shakes that the dietician talked about. I am so worn out. If not for the children I would probably sleep all day. Noise bothers my nervous system, I can’t seem to focus my eyes to be able to read much, and I tried to draw but my coordination seems off. I have things to do but the thought of doing them seems exhausting. I could pack up the children and go get the errands done but just the thought of getting the diaper back packed and bottles made, getting the car seat in the car, and the stroller loaded up, everyone dressed, seems like a task that would rival climbing Mount Everest!
Another issue is my voice, it’s gone! I can barely talk and it requires great effort to talk, but yet talk I must! I told my friend Kari, I am officially putting my voice on 48 hours of bed rest. Maybe it will heal if I do that! Keep in mind I am babysitting my 5 year old grandson, so it is not going to be an easy task!
For some reason I find peace and solace in the outdoors. The breeze blowing throw the trees, hearing the birds sing, the cicadas chirping, it all seems to comfort something deep inside of me. Ironically I can not be in the sun, when the medical staff said “stay out of the sun” they meant it. I went to the park with the neighbor and kids and mostly stayed in the shade. I got a slight sunburn, but it felt like every pore in my body was being poked by a hot needle. It was such an odd sensation!
Mentally I just want to curl up in a little ball and cry. Just living seems like a lot of work right now, let alone trying to deal with paperwork, and bills, forms, clients, children, and functioning! I think it’s time to call Cancer Services and see what kind of emotional support I can invest in.
It is the middle of the night, 3:27 am, I need to go back to sleep so for now....Adios!
My mouth has hurt so badly from sores that have come out. The sores are in the worse possible place. They are under my tongue in the back, where your tonsils are. I am not even sure the medicine is getting under there.
NOTHING tastes good to me, but yet I am hungry. I don’t have the money to go get Ensure shakes that the dietician talked about. I am so worn out. If not for the children I would probably sleep all day. Noise bothers my nervous system, I can’t seem to focus my eyes to be able to read much, and I tried to draw but my coordination seems off. I have things to do but the thought of doing them seems exhausting. I could pack up the children and go get the errands done but just the thought of getting the diaper back packed and bottles made, getting the car seat in the car, and the stroller loaded up, everyone dressed, seems like a task that would rival climbing Mount Everest!
Another issue is my voice, it’s gone! I can barely talk and it requires great effort to talk, but yet talk I must! I told my friend Kari, I am officially putting my voice on 48 hours of bed rest. Maybe it will heal if I do that! Keep in mind I am babysitting my 5 year old grandson, so it is not going to be an easy task!
For some reason I find peace and solace in the outdoors. The breeze blowing throw the trees, hearing the birds sing, the cicadas chirping, it all seems to comfort something deep inside of me. Ironically I can not be in the sun, when the medical staff said “stay out of the sun” they meant it. I went to the park with the neighbor and kids and mostly stayed in the shade. I got a slight sunburn, but it felt like every pore in my body was being poked by a hot needle. It was such an odd sensation!
Mentally I just want to curl up in a little ball and cry. Just living seems like a lot of work right now, let alone trying to deal with paperwork, and bills, forms, clients, children, and functioning! I think it’s time to call Cancer Services and see what kind of emotional support I can invest in.
It is the middle of the night, 3:27 am, I need to go back to sleep so for now....Adios!
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