Ugh....

I try to be upbeat and positive about this whole illness, but I have to admit, this week I feel anything but upbeat. Yes, it is possible to be positive but not feel upbeat.

My mouth has hurt so badly from sores that have come out. The sores are in the worse possible place. They are under my tongue in the back, where your tonsils are. I am not even sure the medicine is getting under there.

NOTHING tastes good to me, but yet I am hungry. I don’t have the money to go get Ensure shakes that the dietician talked about. I am so worn out. If not for the children I would probably sleep all day. Noise bothers my nervous system, I can’t seem to focus my eyes to be able to read much, and I tried to draw but my coordination seems off. I have things to do but the thought of doing them seems exhausting. I could pack up the children and go get the errands done but just the thought of getting the diaper back packed and bottles made, getting the car seat in the car, and the stroller loaded up, everyone dressed, seems like a task that would rival climbing Mount Everest!

Another issue is my voice, it’s gone! I can barely talk and it requires great effort to talk, but yet talk I must! I told my friend Kari, I am officially putting my voice on 48 hours of bed rest. Maybe it will heal if I do that! Keep in mind I am babysitting my 5 year old grandson, so it is not going to be an easy task!

For some reason I find peace and solace in the outdoors. The breeze blowing throw the trees, hearing the birds sing, the cicadas chirping, it all seems to comfort something deep inside of me. Ironically I can not be in the sun, when the medical staff said “stay out of the sun” they meant it. I went to the park with the neighbor and kids and mostly stayed in the shade. I got a slight sunburn, but it felt like every pore in my body was being poked by a hot needle. It was such an odd sensation!

Mentally I just want to curl up in a little ball and cry. Just living seems like a lot of work right now, let alone trying to deal with paperwork, and bills, forms, clients, children, and functioning! I think it’s time to call Cancer Services and see what kind of emotional support I can invest in.

It is the middle of the night, 3:27 am, I need to go back to sleep so for now....Adios!